40

Somehow I am 8 hours away from being 40 years old.  I am not quite sure how that happened, since I have held onto 29 so tightly over the last decade.  I am fighting this growing old gracefully thing, kicking and screaming, yet another year has come and I am facing the big 4-0 when I wake up tomorrow.  Because, let's face it, I sure won't make it til midnight, heck I can barely make it to 10 on a week night.  So, yeah, I guess I feel almost 40.  I have lower back pain and neck stress and creak when I get out of bed in the morning.  And don't get me started about how long it takes to recuperate after a night of a little too much wine!  Where did my resilient body go and when, exactly, did that happen?  I remember growing up and hearing my parents talk about a TV show called "Thirty Something" and how relatable it was.  I don't recall ever watching it, since I was not interested in anything so boring back then, but I should probably look it up on Netflix and see if I can relate.  But, wait - now I am no longer thirty-something and I do not tick the box on surveys 35-39, either.  Michael has been giving me a hard time for weeks now, telling me already that I can't go to our Sunday morning Bible study group anymore, because it's for folks in their 30's.  Seems I just graduated to a whole other level that I am not thrilled to be a part of... And then I look back over the years.  My 30's really were fabulous, so I am a bit nostalgic and having a hard time letting go, even though I stuck to 29 for so long.  At 30 I became an independent woman and a single mom. I spent a year or so making up for the time of my early 20's that I never did - went out too much, drank too much, and made some not-so-smart decisions sometimes, but, thankfully, I was responsible enough to know to always have a DD on call (Thanks, Lisa for your entire pregnancy with Kam!).  At 31 I became an aunt for the first time. I went to Chicago frequently to visit Danielle when she was living there.  I reintroduced Jesus back into my life at 32 and am so thankful for this decision.  At 33 I met Michael and went on my first cruise, thanks to Savannah and her persistence. At 34 I became a college graduate.  At 35 I went on my second cruise, became an aunt for the second time and then Savannah and I moved to India.  At 36 we traveled to Singapore, Malaysia, Delhi, Jaipur and Agra to see the Taj Mahal in India and London, UK. At 37 I traveled to Thailand and got engaged, traveled to Kerala in India to see tea plantations and cruise the backwaters in a houseboat, watched my daughter graduate from high school a year earlier than planned, traveled to Denmark & Sweden for the first time with work, then moved back home and married the wonderful man that makes life amazing for me, with a few more trips to Denmark & Sweden thrown in there, just to increase my stress level, and wrapped the year up with another cruise.  At 38 we traveled up and down the PCH in beautiful California, took another cruise, bought a home together and traveled to Germany. At 39 we went on yet another cruise, saw the majestic mountains of Alberta, Canada and Lake Tahoe and I went back to India for work.  Sometime in my early 30's I got my first photo with my boyfriend Harry Connick, Jr., mid 30's got my 2nd and, yep, at 39, got my most recent - all in New York City.  These are some pretty great memories, from start to finish.  Not all of my thirties have been sunshine & roses, though, and sometimes remembering the hard times makes the good times that much sweeter.  I went through a divorce to start my 30's, and I was pretty bitter for a couple years. I struggled financially as a single mom with no child support off and on, and can only thank my parents for helping us through.  But not only for their financial assistance for anything from violin lessons to drill team uniforms, back to school clothes or Christmas gifts, along with the emotional support and toting my girl back and forth to dance, Girl Scouts, or anything else she needed to attend while I worked or went to school. Some of those 30's included days in India that were a little lonely and challenging until we found our way, and even sometimes after we did.  I watched love ones pass away and realized death isn't just for the elderly.  Sometimes the young, beautiful, Godly ones are meant to be with Jesus before what I selfishly consider "their time."  I mourned the loss of friends, sisters of friends, brothers of friends, mothers and fathers of friends, my grandmother, two aunts, a cousin, and children of friends.  I am estranged, for the most part, from my own child. Savannah and I have conversations over FB messenger, but yesterday I spent my first Christmas in her 19 years without her, even if she only came for a few hours last year.  It wasn't easy, but I am learning to live with our new arrangement. Some days are harder than others.  I miss Robert, as he is in Spain and has been for about 3 years now, still serving our great nation in the US Navy.  I am ready for him and Renee and Collin to come back stateside in the next few months.  I look back at my last decade and wonder how it can get better... will this be the peak? Because, honestly, it was pretty damn good in a lot of ways.  I am thankful for my adventurous husband who will hop on a plane or a boat or any other means of transportation and go anywhere in the world with me.  I am thankful for the amazing women who I get to call my friends and do this crazy thing called life with.  I am thankful for my energetic nieces that keep the holidays lively and remind this old aunt that a clean & quiet house isn't necessarily the way a house is supposed to be.  I am thankful for Michael's terrific circle of friends who have accepted me into their crazy world of football, young kiddos and decades of friendship.  I am thankful for a wonderful church family and a God who gives me renewed mercies every morning.  I am thankful for my job that allows me to work with and meet some of the most phenomenal people on the entire planet (we are global, after all!) and travel to places I would not have ever seen otherwise. I am thankful for my family and ever-supportive parents, brother and sister-in-law, who continue to share laughs and love with frequently.  I am thankful for my new(ish) family, Michael's parents and sister and brother-in-law who have given me insight on so many things about my crazy hubby and have welcomed me from the first time I met them.  I am thankful for health, as I've witnessed the lack of it over the last decade. I am thankful for financial security, as I did not have that in my 20's. I am thankful for wisdom, confidence and experience, which have all increased in my 30's.  I look forward to more travel, continued friendships, lots of laughs and family time.  I am hopeful that my relationship with Savannah will be healed and I will get to watch her go through her 20's. I will watch Haley graduate from high school in the coming months and make her way into the world. I will invite myself to visit Robert & his family as they move back to the US.  My 30's made me more compassionate, soft-hearted and open-minded. I can only hope my 40's continue to do the same. I hope to leave a legacy of love, kindness and laughter wherever I go and with whomever I meet.  And, though I will continue to claim 29, I will wear my 30's with pride and greet my 40's with a smile, a laugh, and a margarita with some very important people in my life.  Cheers to the next decade!

Why not?

There are lots of times I have thoughts running through my head and I think they will make a fabulous post on FB, but then I realize they are way too long.  And so I forget them.  But I decided recently it's time to start blogging again.  Part of the draw for me is the therapeutic nature of the whole thing: I get to vent, complain, explain or whatever! and there are no interruptions (Michael!) to stop me. I can laugh at myself, cry by myself or reminisce all to myself, but then share it with whomever is bored enough to take the time to read it, and maybe talk about it later, or maybe not.  And I'm good after I have gotten all of whatever it is that is on my mind out.  So here we go. It's been just over a year since my last blog, and if you have a good memory, that was just over a year since we arrived back in Texas from our two year Indian life.  Things haven't changed much in the past year.  My Savannah still isn't involved with the family, but making her way in the world on her own, much to my broken heart's chagrin.  I still miss her terribly, but don't cry as often and have learned to stop trying to plan around the hopes of her joining us on, well, just about anything.  I still pray everyday, that hasn't and won't change, for her to stay safe, remember she is loved, bring her back to Jesus, and soften her heart, but the tears don't come as often and the new norm is without her presence.  It's sad, and not something I am proud of, but it's honest, and it's where we are.  Michael and I moved into a new home together in September of last year. It's been wonderful and we love the ease of our commutes and quiet neighborhood.  Haley started her senior year of high school this week and she's been cutting Michael's hair regularly since she is taking Cosmetology.  Work is good for both of us.  Michael moved from the Sam's store to the Walmart DC (distribution center) and wonders why he didn't make this move years ago.  He loves his gig.  I am busy, busy, all the time, but still love the Safmarine side of the world and get to work with my Chennai colleagues along with my team here in Houston, which is great.  I am in the midst of planning a trip to Chennai for a week coming soon, so that is exciting to have it on the horizon.  Tonight I had a work dinner, which made me decide to go ahead and start the blog.  One of our vendors was in town and asked about India when the subject came up that I lived there... the usual questions followed: How long were you there? Where were you at? DId you like it? Do you miss it?  Oh, if I could only explain how these crazy emotions work for me.  The answers come just as quickly as the questions: 2 years. In Chennai. I LOVED IT! I miss it more than I ever thought possible. And then I keep talking: It was the most amazing 2 years I could have never imagined.  My daughter and I learned about, met and experienced some of the most wonderful times of our lives. I am so thankful for the opportunity to work for such a great company that allowed us this life-changing trip that made us both better people. And then I had to quit talking because I got a little choked up.  Despite the chasm between Savannah and me right now, despite the sadness and anger and confusion as to why our relationship is so strained, we had an amazing time and experienced the most wonderfully chaotic, ridiculously late-for-everything, over-the-top gracious, sensory-overloaded culture and country... together.  We both learned to have a more compassionate heart, an open mind, and an adventurous soul.  Whether or not I see her, I KNOW it impacts her daily life and in a better way than I could have ever imagined. Nobody out there can quite understand why I get so excited when I see an elderly lady wearing a sari or a beautiful Indian baby with a spot on his or her face to ward off the evil spirits. Nobody can relate to my obsession with Indian food and the perfect naan to go with my gravies... There isn't one person who feels the sadness I feel in my heart when I read about a natural disaster in India in the same way I feel it... Nobody except Savannah... and when I try to explain funny stories or laugh about something that happened in Chennai with Michael, God love him, he just doesn't laugh with me.  In May we went to Canada to visit our friends from our church in Chennai and it was just so good to sit and talk and visit and catch up.  We really did not talk too much about India.  But we didn't have to.  There's an understanding that we all miss it, for various reasons.  I am pretty sure I miss the people the most.  I recently got to visit with my co-manager from my Chennai days and it was fabulous!  Laughs, laughs, and more laughs, along with some real life discussions about our families, our careers and our futures.  So, apparently I miss India. And my kid.  After all this rambling, I feel better... therapeutic, I tell ya.  If you've stuck around this long, I'll try to make my next blog a little more exciting and a little less woe is me.  I am thankful for all the great people I have in my life and I am a very blessed girl, regardless of my situation, I thank God every day for another chance to do it all again, and maybe even get it right one time!  In it all, I still cling to Jeremiah 29:11.