#BlackLivesMatter #BlueLivesMatter #AllLivesMatter

I am a supporter of my peace officers and law enforcement. I have a few friends who are cops, and I appreciate the job they do and the risks they take every day to protect our community, my family and me. I know there are terrible people in the world, and I am thankful for the courage and sacrifice these men and women in blue take on daily - dealing with the darkest of darkness in our world, and trying to make the world a better and safer place. I know police officers are people, too - moms and dads working the job to bring income to their family and safety to the area they serve - and I believe with all my heart that MOST of them are good human beings. 
I open with that so there is no possibility to confuse or misconstrue the upcoming analogy. 

My friends, our country is at a breaking point. My friends and loved ones of color - those I know personally and those I do not - are suffering. They are dying at the hands of police officers. Obviously NOT the good ones. They are dying at the hands of rotten apples, but you know they saying how you can't let a few rotten apples spoil the bunch? What do you do with those rotten apples? FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU GET RID OF THEM! AND YOU WATCH THEM CLOSELY TO ENSURE NO OTHER APPLES TURN ROTTEN, OTHERWISE YOU WILL LOSE YOUR WHOLE BUNCH!!!!  No, they are not all "bad apples" - but the rotten ones are ruining the reputation of the masses in uniform because someone is allowing it. And by ruining the reputation I mean they are the brutes of police brutality and they are killing people of color. Some out there in police land heard one of their own say something inappropriate or racist and didn't call their buddy out on it. Someone out there in police land saw two people in the area of the scene of a crime and decided it was the person of color in a hoodie based on racial profiling. Someone out there in police land was arresting two people for public intoxication outside a bar and both were complying, but the black man was tackled while the white man was cuffed and placed in the police car without incident. These things happen every day at the hands of these rotten apples. We have to pick them out of the bunch. We have to call them out, discipline or fire them, and demand change in the way our communities are protected. 

Don't like the apple analogy? Do you have kids? Do they go to school... or day care... or Sunday School at your church? Do they have teachers? Do they have adults in their lives that are paid or volunteer to care for them in your stead? If you work outside the home or ever leave your children in anyone else's care EVER then think about one of those people. Think of the trust you have put in that organization or that person to care for your child. This is going to be hard, but think for a moment that your child is hurt by that person or someone caring for your child at that place of which you are thinking. Think for a moment that your child was hurt BADLY.  Think of the helplessness you feel, the sadness, the anger, the outrage. HOW DARE THAT PLACE THAT YOU TRUST HURT YOUR CHILD! Fortunately, this is an exercise and your child is fine. Imagine if your child was hurt beyond what the doctors could save. Imagine if your child died, and you were fighting for justice for your baby and the courts or district attorneys told you that ALL CHILDREN MATTER and to settle down about your loss. They know teachers need to be monitored, but they will get to it someday. YES, OH MY GOSH, OF COURSE ALL CHILDREN MATTER - BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD - YOUR BABY (this is really hard for me to say, so have to write "still pretending") IS DEAD AT THE HANDS OF THAT CRAZY TEACHER!  And maybe that teacher had hurt other children before, but complaints fell on deaf administrator ears because the child was not listening, not sitting still, not following directions.  And then it escalated. Or maybe that teacher had mentioned to other teachers how these children were out of control and he or she was going to do something about it one day. Those types of comments or complaints would surely have been investigated in a school setting.  What would happen if this were in a public school? The teacher would be investigated by law enforcement. There could be witnesses... maybe someone filmed the entire pretend incident and there is a full account - second by second - of that monster hurting your baby. That video would make it into court, and very likely, that teacher would be convicted and go to jail. But that school would put policies in place quicker than anyone could ever imagine to avoid the incident happening again. WHY IS A POLICE FORCE A DIFFERENT SETTING WITH A DIFFERENT SET OF STANDARDS?? These men and women of color that are dying at the hands of the bad guys in uniforms are someone's babies, y'all. THEY ARE SOMEONE'S BABIES AND THEY ARE DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And do you understand why it is wrong to say All Children Matter when it should be YOUR Child Matters - because your child was the specific child impacted - targeted - hurt or killed - at the time? 

I imagine that since two weeks have passed from when our latest black man was murdered by police officers, some of you might be getting tired of this white girl sharing and commenting that Black Lives Matter. I imagine some of you are still adamantly thinking, and I have seen some of you saying, that it is not ok to destroy property through looting and rioting and protests should be peaceful. Of course everyone should want peaceful changes. But change is hard, yall. It doesn't feel good and it goes against our human nature. As a society we have created a problem and as a society we must work together to fix the problem. We have made people of color in our nation (in our world, really) feel LESS THAN. Less than important. Less than equal. Less than white. Less than human.  It is our role, whatever color you are reading this right now, to help fix the problem. Have difficult conversations. Look inward and honestly assess what you are doing to contribute in a positive and negative way. And change yourself. We all have bias. We all have experiences and family values and community morals - or lack thereof - that color our world and our view.  Look through someone else's eyes for a while. Share their experiences and be compassionate and be empathetic. Instead of blaming each other - instead of reliving our shameful history and treatment of our people of color any longer - let's put in the hard work to change ourselves and grow together.  It can be done... one issue at a time. Addressing and removing one bad apple at a time when negative comments are made, rather than after he has literally crushed the life out of someone, or shot someone running, or got a choke hold because he did not get into the police car peacefully. 

I want a better world for my son. I want a better world for the babies that will come to and through my home. I want a better world for your babies, your grandbabies. I want a better world for ME AND YOU RIGHT NOW. Won't you join me in thinking outside your own personal circumstances and begin to discuss hard issues and understand new things and learn to be better, think better and do better and unlearn the yuck stuff? Won't you at least try?

From my Heart to Yours... a Plea for CHANGE

Man. 2020 is one for the history books, isn't it? Did we have anything in Jan and Feb? I can't honestly remember. But I sure remember from March on... Adjusting (not very well at the start) to a work from home lifestyle... merging the manager role with the mom and wife role all in the same place and trying to find some sort of balance... having a toddler home 24/7... Being home 24/7... Exponentially increased usage of social media... Amazon coming almost daily (oh, wait, that wasn't much of a change LOL)... all the stuff around social distancing, no travel at all, flights and cruises canceled, stores and businesses shut down, friends and family being furloughed or laid off or completely shut down, everyone wearing masks - or not, and then causing issues, schools closed and parents doing double or triple duty as teacher & parent & possibly employee, concerts and sports seasons canceled, and so much more. It's just been a LOT.  The world as we knew it seems forever changed, or for the immediate future since so much is canceled through the summer at the least.

And then, just a week ago, the last week of May the world changed in another way. As I write this, trying to get my thoughts and feelings out in a constructive and compassionate way, I am sad. My heart is heavier than I can remember it being in a long time... possibly since the time period where I was estranged from my Savannah. I have a constant sadness that I am trying desperately to articulate. I am not sleeping well. If the boys are asleep or otherwise occupied, I am on social media - digging, reading, soaking in the emotions. I have to step back. I have to take a breath. I have to use better judgement and not let myself move into the rabbit hole of darkness, because I have spent some time there over the past week. I am thankful to have friends from every walk of life, every skin color, and on almost every continent. I am blessed to have been a part of a community outside my own, and I was able to immerse myself in a culture that is so very different than that of which I was raised. Texas to India is a big change, yall. And it was tough. And there were moments I wasn't sure I would survive it. But what other choice did I have? Of course I was going to survive it, dammit! And I was going to thrive, in the end. That was my goal. And share the world - a big picture world, a TRUE and HONEST vision of the world, FROM THE WORLD - with my daughter, to give Savannah the opportunity to see how big this world is and how much it has to offer and how different people live. And that we did. I am forever grateful for that opportunity. As a couple of white girls from Spring, Texas, though we've been blessed to travel a bit, we had never experienced discrimination. Until we moved to a country where we looked differently and spoke differently and even behaved differently. We were in a place where we could not blend if we tried, there was no melting pot, and no way to tan our very white skin to match our neighbors. And I was OK with that going in - I knew what I signed up for. Fitting in and looking exactly like the crowd hasn't really ever been on the top of my priority list, anyway. However mentally and emotionally prepared I was to stand out in a crowd, physically, I was NOT prepared for the judgement and discrimination that came our way, even though the instances were few and far between. I still remember the indignation I felt when we were at a restaurant for dinner one time and we kept getting nasty looks from one of the wives at a nearby table. I decided I was imagining it, I mean why would she be looking at us with such disgust? - and then they moved tables to the other side.  WAIT. WHAT? Did that just happen? Because we were behaving like normal adults at a restaurant, having a normal volume conversation, and she had no interaction with us. They moved tables because this lady didn't like the color of our skin??? And then, an epiphany in this white girl's head and heart. The emotional reactions to being judged by the color of one's skin are interesting, as I think back. Anger, sadness, disbelief... a little bit of all of those. And then I thought of my friends over here in the US who face this every single day of their lives. And I made a conscious effort to remember that feeling.  And I think I have over the years. But if I haven't, I have asked God to forgive me and make me better - make my heart clean - at the very least. 

I ask God every day to make me a light. When people see me, talk to me, spend time with me, let them see Jesus. Let Him speak through me and respond with and share love. Let them feel love that only He can emanate, and let me put my own agenda aside to share His love.  Obviously I fail more than I care to admit, but I still ask, and I still strive.  And he forgives me daily, I can only hope the people in my life do as well.

I feel like I am rambling a little bit here; sorry about that. I am taking the long way around what I am trying to accomplish, I guess, which is to do my part to bring light to a very dark cloud over our country right now. I said before I have friends from all walks of life, ie: Strong political views on the far right, far left, and everywhere in between. Trump lovers, Trump haters. Folks raised in a time or place or family where the color of someone's skin made them a good or bad person. Friends from elementary school 35 year ago. Friends from our stint in Chennai. Friends who look like me and friends who look nothing like me. Christian friends, Muslim friends, Hindu friends, Jewish friends, agnostic friends. Friends who I have laughed with, cried with, and shared life with. Some of those friends are not going to appreciate my outspokenness, but I pray they love me just the same... because I cannot remain silent about what is going on with my brothers and sisters of color. Michael and I have committed to remain active in the foster care community because we saw things that can't be unseen during the time we fostered our beautiful boy. That beautiful boy could have come with any color skin on this planet, and we would have accepted him and loved him just the same. And maybe that's why I am so overwhelmed by all that is going on in America right now - maybe it is because I could be the mom who worries if my son of a darker skin tone might not come back after a run through our predominately white area. Maybe it is because I have so many Mom friends who face this battle every day that I did not realize the depths of that anxiety until recently. Maybe it is because I am allowing myself to read and learn and understand more. I don't know why, but I know this has changed me. I will have conversations with my friends of color that might be uncomfortable. I will ask them the hard questions and I will ask MYSELF the hard questions. I will ask them to hold me accountable and tell me when I say or do things that are not in line with what we are trying to accomplish - more love, more acceptance, less fear, less judgement, less preconceived notions. I wanted to write more equality. But that isn't even right. There is no such thing as MORE equality. There is equality or there is inequality. So, equality. Period. I cannot change the behavior of others, but I can influence through my own actions, and by speaking up when I see and hear inequality. All lives matter. Yes, indeed. But right now, black lives are at risk. And we need to shine a light on those at risk. I will have a respectful and fact-based discussion with anyone who disagrees. All I ask is that you are open. Open to listen and open to feel. You don't have to agree. We don't have to agree. And you can challenge me and you can tell me it doesn't feel right, and I will be OK with that. It could be uncomfortable and it might even be heated - passion drives change, so I am ok with that, too. All I ask is that you are open to more than what you think you already know.  I will do my part to change the narrative. I will continue to pray for our broken nation... for our broken people, of ALL colors, for our peace officers who swear to serve and protect EVERYONE in the community, and for our hearts to soften with love and heal the wounds that are so deeply cut.  If you've made it this far, thank you. I will leave you with a reminder - Black lives matter... right now because they are in danger - Take a moment and read and reflect on Luke 15:3-7. He loves us all, but he leaves the masses to finds the lost one. What a visual. 

3 Then Jesus told them this parable: 4 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5 And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6 and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.  

Thank you, Jesus for making this so clear to me.

Tis the Season... to make Nikki cry

I already know when Michael reads this (he will read the headline, not the content) that he will be annoyed because right now I am supposed to be decorating our tree.  Well, our second tree. The first was decorated last night with the help of my wonderful mother who listened to me whine and complain most of the time. I just don't enjoy decorating for the holidays anymore. I used to, but it's been a long time and I don't remember why I don't like to now, just call me the Grinch.  I do love when the decorations are up and done. I love sitting in the big, comfy chair and watching the lights twinkle while I drink a cup of coffee in the morning or a glass of wine in the evening. I enjoy watching the tree spin (yes, we have a rotating tree stand, because - why not?!) and marveling at the beauty.  Once it's all done, that is. In the meantime, it's complain, whine and wish someone else would do it for me.  So. I am about halfway done with the second tree, which was actually my original tree from years past, but I love this tree and I can't seem to part with it.  It's beautiful and grand and full and covered in memories, not to mention needles all over the floor! I have so many ornaments with Savannah and Robert's names I have lost count putting them up. I have the original ornaments I got from Garden Ridge Pottery so many years ago on a Thanksgiving night when my Aunt Helen and Mom went with me because I wanted to redo my tree from white flocked, bought every year, to the beautiful tree that comes out of the attic now, and which I have halted the decorating. I was thinking of my aunt. We didn't see eye to eye on quite a few things, but we had similar taste and love the elegance and opulence in most things, including my Christmas tree and ornaments. This tree is adorned with maroon and gold. There are some sparkles, but mostly just beautiful, elegant gold with maroon sprinkled in for good measure. (The sparkles are on the new tree... since I do love my sparkles these days. There is glitter all over my floor to prove it.) As I hung some of the ornaments my heart and mind went to days long ago when Savannah was a little one and Robert was home. I miss my kiddos and wish they were closer, but my heart is full because I have gotten to spend time with both of them this year, which I hadn't been able to do for a few years. Savannah has become part of the family again, which brings this momma such joy and peace I can't even explain, and Robert and his family are stateside with this Navy tour and came to visit over the summer.  This Christmas will be full of new memories and smiles and laughs with current family arrangements, and as much as I am a Grinch and don't love the hustle and bustle associated with the holiday season, I am looking a bit more forward to it this year. And as the dated ornaments go on the dated tree, the tears fall for different reasons this year than the last couple. The tears are from an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my wonderful family. I have an amazing husband. My family is blessed with health. My parents, in-laws, brother & his family are all local and I can love on my nieces and spend quality time with them as much as our crazy schedules allow.  I have friends all around the country and world, and if I wanted to escape for a weekend I know any of them would have me in a heartbeat. I have a terrific job that keeps me challenged, motivated and working with super talented people. I have the best friends a girl could ask for - supportive, loving, kind and caring.  Yes, this is a different Christmas season for me in many ways, and this year I will try to see the wonder and merriment through the eyes of a child. After all, God sent His son so we could do just that. He must be onto something... 

You are not alone.

I have been hearing God whisper to me lately that we need to be reminded that we are not alone.  If you're my friend on FB you have probably seen a handful of posts about this topic. It's really been on my heart quite a lot and the more I speak about it, the more my friends confirm that we all really do need these reminders.  Life gives us struggles.  Struggles make us stronger.  Or they make us bitter. Struggles make us more honest.  Or they make us angry.  Struggles make us more humble. Or they make us retreat.  Struggles make us feel all alone in this world, though we might be surrounded by dozens or even hundreds.  I have overcome some struggles and adversity in my life.  Some of it was waiting for me around a corner others knew I would come to one day, but I was too naïve to see it myself, while some of it was completely unexpected.  It happens this way, doesn't it?  Sometimes we have consequences about the choices we make that result in struggles. That doesn't make the struggle any less real or any less hurtful, does it?  And sometimes we are victims of terrible circumstance or situation that catapults us into a struggle, which might make us beg God and ask "why me? what did I do to deserve this?"  I cannot deny I have asked God, yelled at God, cried at God, shook my fist at God, but, ultimately, relied on God to help get me through whatever the struggle was at the time.  We all deal with struggle in our own ways, but we all do deal with struggle at some point or another.  I am specifically drawn, at this moment, to the women in my life and sharing their stories of struggle.  I believe we try REALLY hard to put up a front of how strong we are, not because we are showing off, rather because we feel shame or embarrassment by whatever storm we might be fighting- not once taking into thought that someone very close to us might have already waged the same battle or be going through it right now... same as us!  I have been led to put a collection of stories together in the hopes that sharing them might bring someone else comfort or peace or lead them to healing...  I would love to hear your story if you're willing to share!  We can set up a time for a meeting if you are local or by phone if you are not... Or if you want to write it out (3rd person, anonymous, whatever is comfortable) then I will add to the collection. I'm really unsure how this will play out, but I know there's a need to let our sisters know we aren't alone in struggles. No shame! Situations like divorce, depression, mental illness, infidelity, addiction, addiction of loved ones, mental, physical, sexual abuse, infertility, blended family issues, broken parent/child relationships - just some topics that come to mind that I KNOW I can't be the only one dealing with or know friends who are dealing with them... just trying to find a safe place to share stories that will illuminate love, hope & strength.  I have been so inspired in recent months with some amazing women I have had the privilege of meeting and getting to know, along with many years of friendship with terrific women who I know have overcome so much.  If you are inclined to share with me so we can share with others, please let me know and I will work hard to fulfill what I believe is God's work through this project.  I have no timeline, nothing set in stone, but I know there is lots of pain and if we can help bring comfort to one hurting heart then that is enough for me!  Here's to all you overcomers out there and thanks for taking the time to read my rambling tonight!

40

Somehow I am 8 hours away from being 40 years old.  I am not quite sure how that happened, since I have held onto 29 so tightly over the last decade.  I am fighting this growing old gracefully thing, kicking and screaming, yet another year has come and I am facing the big 4-0 when I wake up tomorrow.  Because, let's face it, I sure won't make it til midnight, heck I can barely make it to 10 on a week night.  So, yeah, I guess I feel almost 40.  I have lower back pain and neck stress and creak when I get out of bed in the morning.  And don't get me started about how long it takes to recuperate after a night of a little too much wine!  Where did my resilient body go and when, exactly, did that happen?  I remember growing up and hearing my parents talk about a TV show called "Thirty Something" and how relatable it was.  I don't recall ever watching it, since I was not interested in anything so boring back then, but I should probably look it up on Netflix and see if I can relate.  But, wait - now I am no longer thirty-something and I do not tick the box on surveys 35-39, either.  Michael has been giving me a hard time for weeks now, telling me already that I can't go to our Sunday morning Bible study group anymore, because it's for folks in their 30's.  Seems I just graduated to a whole other level that I am not thrilled to be a part of... And then I look back over the years.  My 30's really were fabulous, so I am a bit nostalgic and having a hard time letting go, even though I stuck to 29 for so long.  At 30 I became an independent woman and a single mom. I spent a year or so making up for the time of my early 20's that I never did - went out too much, drank too much, and made some not-so-smart decisions sometimes, but, thankfully, I was responsible enough to know to always have a DD on call (Thanks, Lisa for your entire pregnancy with Kam!).  At 31 I became an aunt for the first time. I went to Chicago frequently to visit Danielle when she was living there.  I reintroduced Jesus back into my life at 32 and am so thankful for this decision.  At 33 I met Michael and went on my first cruise, thanks to Savannah and her persistence. At 34 I became a college graduate.  At 35 I went on my second cruise, became an aunt for the second time and then Savannah and I moved to India.  At 36 we traveled to Singapore, Malaysia, Delhi, Jaipur and Agra to see the Taj Mahal in India and London, UK. At 37 I traveled to Thailand and got engaged, traveled to Kerala in India to see tea plantations and cruise the backwaters in a houseboat, watched my daughter graduate from high school a year earlier than planned, traveled to Denmark & Sweden for the first time with work, then moved back home and married the wonderful man that makes life amazing for me, with a few more trips to Denmark & Sweden thrown in there, just to increase my stress level, and wrapped the year up with another cruise.  At 38 we traveled up and down the PCH in beautiful California, took another cruise, bought a home together and traveled to Germany. At 39 we went on yet another cruise, saw the majestic mountains of Alberta, Canada and Lake Tahoe and I went back to India for work.  Sometime in my early 30's I got my first photo with my boyfriend Harry Connick, Jr., mid 30's got my 2nd and, yep, at 39, got my most recent - all in New York City.  These are some pretty great memories, from start to finish.  Not all of my thirties have been sunshine & roses, though, and sometimes remembering the hard times makes the good times that much sweeter.  I went through a divorce to start my 30's, and I was pretty bitter for a couple years. I struggled financially as a single mom with no child support off and on, and can only thank my parents for helping us through.  But not only for their financial assistance for anything from violin lessons to drill team uniforms, back to school clothes or Christmas gifts, along with the emotional support and toting my girl back and forth to dance, Girl Scouts, or anything else she needed to attend while I worked or went to school. Some of those 30's included days in India that were a little lonely and challenging until we found our way, and even sometimes after we did.  I watched love ones pass away and realized death isn't just for the elderly.  Sometimes the young, beautiful, Godly ones are meant to be with Jesus before what I selfishly consider "their time."  I mourned the loss of friends, sisters of friends, brothers of friends, mothers and fathers of friends, my grandmother, two aunts, a cousin, and children of friends.  I am estranged, for the most part, from my own child. Savannah and I have conversations over FB messenger, but yesterday I spent my first Christmas in her 19 years without her, even if she only came for a few hours last year.  It wasn't easy, but I am learning to live with our new arrangement. Some days are harder than others.  I miss Robert, as he is in Spain and has been for about 3 years now, still serving our great nation in the US Navy.  I am ready for him and Renee and Collin to come back stateside in the next few months.  I look back at my last decade and wonder how it can get better... will this be the peak? Because, honestly, it was pretty damn good in a lot of ways.  I am thankful for my adventurous husband who will hop on a plane or a boat or any other means of transportation and go anywhere in the world with me.  I am thankful for the amazing women who I get to call my friends and do this crazy thing called life with.  I am thankful for my energetic nieces that keep the holidays lively and remind this old aunt that a clean & quiet house isn't necessarily the way a house is supposed to be.  I am thankful for Michael's terrific circle of friends who have accepted me into their crazy world of football, young kiddos and decades of friendship.  I am thankful for a wonderful church family and a God who gives me renewed mercies every morning.  I am thankful for my job that allows me to work with and meet some of the most phenomenal people on the entire planet (we are global, after all!) and travel to places I would not have ever seen otherwise. I am thankful for my family and ever-supportive parents, brother and sister-in-law, who continue to share laughs and love with frequently.  I am thankful for my new(ish) family, Michael's parents and sister and brother-in-law who have given me insight on so many things about my crazy hubby and have welcomed me from the first time I met them.  I am thankful for health, as I've witnessed the lack of it over the last decade. I am thankful for financial security, as I did not have that in my 20's. I am thankful for wisdom, confidence and experience, which have all increased in my 30's.  I look forward to more travel, continued friendships, lots of laughs and family time.  I am hopeful that my relationship with Savannah will be healed and I will get to watch her go through her 20's. I will watch Haley graduate from high school in the coming months and make her way into the world. I will invite myself to visit Robert & his family as they move back to the US.  My 30's made me more compassionate, soft-hearted and open-minded. I can only hope my 40's continue to do the same. I hope to leave a legacy of love, kindness and laughter wherever I go and with whomever I meet.  And, though I will continue to claim 29, I will wear my 30's with pride and greet my 40's with a smile, a laugh, and a margarita with some very important people in my life.  Cheers to the next decade!

Why not?

There are lots of times I have thoughts running through my head and I think they will make a fabulous post on FB, but then I realize they are way too long.  And so I forget them.  But I decided recently it's time to start blogging again.  Part of the draw for me is the therapeutic nature of the whole thing: I get to vent, complain, explain or whatever! and there are no interruptions (Michael!) to stop me. I can laugh at myself, cry by myself or reminisce all to myself, but then share it with whomever is bored enough to take the time to read it, and maybe talk about it later, or maybe not.  And I'm good after I have gotten all of whatever it is that is on my mind out.  So here we go. It's been just over a year since my last blog, and if you have a good memory, that was just over a year since we arrived back in Texas from our two year Indian life.  Things haven't changed much in the past year.  My Savannah still isn't involved with the family, but making her way in the world on her own, much to my broken heart's chagrin.  I still miss her terribly, but don't cry as often and have learned to stop trying to plan around the hopes of her joining us on, well, just about anything.  I still pray everyday, that hasn't and won't change, for her to stay safe, remember she is loved, bring her back to Jesus, and soften her heart, but the tears don't come as often and the new norm is without her presence.  It's sad, and not something I am proud of, but it's honest, and it's where we are.  Michael and I moved into a new home together in September of last year. It's been wonderful and we love the ease of our commutes and quiet neighborhood.  Haley started her senior year of high school this week and she's been cutting Michael's hair regularly since she is taking Cosmetology.  Work is good for both of us.  Michael moved from the Sam's store to the Walmart DC (distribution center) and wonders why he didn't make this move years ago.  He loves his gig.  I am busy, busy, all the time, but still love the Safmarine side of the world and get to work with my Chennai colleagues along with my team here in Houston, which is great.  I am in the midst of planning a trip to Chennai for a week coming soon, so that is exciting to have it on the horizon.  Tonight I had a work dinner, which made me decide to go ahead and start the blog.  One of our vendors was in town and asked about India when the subject came up that I lived there... the usual questions followed: How long were you there? Where were you at? DId you like it? Do you miss it?  Oh, if I could only explain how these crazy emotions work for me.  The answers come just as quickly as the questions: 2 years. In Chennai. I LOVED IT! I miss it more than I ever thought possible. And then I keep talking: It was the most amazing 2 years I could have never imagined.  My daughter and I learned about, met and experienced some of the most wonderful times of our lives. I am so thankful for the opportunity to work for such a great company that allowed us this life-changing trip that made us both better people. And then I had to quit talking because I got a little choked up.  Despite the chasm between Savannah and me right now, despite the sadness and anger and confusion as to why our relationship is so strained, we had an amazing time and experienced the most wonderfully chaotic, ridiculously late-for-everything, over-the-top gracious, sensory-overloaded culture and country... together.  We both learned to have a more compassionate heart, an open mind, and an adventurous soul.  Whether or not I see her, I KNOW it impacts her daily life and in a better way than I could have ever imagined. Nobody out there can quite understand why I get so excited when I see an elderly lady wearing a sari or a beautiful Indian baby with a spot on his or her face to ward off the evil spirits. Nobody can relate to my obsession with Indian food and the perfect naan to go with my gravies... There isn't one person who feels the sadness I feel in my heart when I read about a natural disaster in India in the same way I feel it... Nobody except Savannah... and when I try to explain funny stories or laugh about something that happened in Chennai with Michael, God love him, he just doesn't laugh with me.  In May we went to Canada to visit our friends from our church in Chennai and it was just so good to sit and talk and visit and catch up.  We really did not talk too much about India.  But we didn't have to.  There's an understanding that we all miss it, for various reasons.  I am pretty sure I miss the people the most.  I recently got to visit with my co-manager from my Chennai days and it was fabulous!  Laughs, laughs, and more laughs, along with some real life discussions about our families, our careers and our futures.  So, apparently I miss India. And my kid.  After all this rambling, I feel better... therapeutic, I tell ya.  If you've stuck around this long, I'll try to make my next blog a little more exciting and a little less woe is me.  I am thankful for all the great people I have in my life and I am a very blessed girl, regardless of my situation, I thank God every day for another chance to do it all again, and maybe even get it right one time!  In it all, I still cling to Jeremiah 29:11.