Why not?

There are lots of times I have thoughts running through my head and I think they will make a fabulous post on FB, but then I realize they are way too long.  And so I forget them.  But I decided recently it's time to start blogging again.  Part of the draw for me is the therapeutic nature of the whole thing: I get to vent, complain, explain or whatever! and there are no interruptions (Michael!) to stop me. I can laugh at myself, cry by myself or reminisce all to myself, but then share it with whomever is bored enough to take the time to read it, and maybe talk about it later, or maybe not.  And I'm good after I have gotten all of whatever it is that is on my mind out.  So here we go. It's been just over a year since my last blog, and if you have a good memory, that was just over a year since we arrived back in Texas from our two year Indian life.  Things haven't changed much in the past year.  My Savannah still isn't involved with the family, but making her way in the world on her own, much to my broken heart's chagrin.  I still miss her terribly, but don't cry as often and have learned to stop trying to plan around the hopes of her joining us on, well, just about anything.  I still pray everyday, that hasn't and won't change, for her to stay safe, remember she is loved, bring her back to Jesus, and soften her heart, but the tears don't come as often and the new norm is without her presence.  It's sad, and not something I am proud of, but it's honest, and it's where we are.  Michael and I moved into a new home together in September of last year. It's been wonderful and we love the ease of our commutes and quiet neighborhood.  Haley started her senior year of high school this week and she's been cutting Michael's hair regularly since she is taking Cosmetology.  Work is good for both of us.  Michael moved from the Sam's store to the Walmart DC (distribution center) and wonders why he didn't make this move years ago.  He loves his gig.  I am busy, busy, all the time, but still love the Safmarine side of the world and get to work with my Chennai colleagues along with my team here in Houston, which is great.  I am in the midst of planning a trip to Chennai for a week coming soon, so that is exciting to have it on the horizon.  Tonight I had a work dinner, which made me decide to go ahead and start the blog.  One of our vendors was in town and asked about India when the subject came up that I lived there... the usual questions followed: How long were you there? Where were you at? DId you like it? Do you miss it?  Oh, if I could only explain how these crazy emotions work for me.  The answers come just as quickly as the questions: 2 years. In Chennai. I LOVED IT! I miss it more than I ever thought possible. And then I keep talking: It was the most amazing 2 years I could have never imagined.  My daughter and I learned about, met and experienced some of the most wonderful times of our lives. I am so thankful for the opportunity to work for such a great company that allowed us this life-changing trip that made us both better people. And then I had to quit talking because I got a little choked up.  Despite the chasm between Savannah and me right now, despite the sadness and anger and confusion as to why our relationship is so strained, we had an amazing time and experienced the most wonderfully chaotic, ridiculously late-for-everything, over-the-top gracious, sensory-overloaded culture and country... together.  We both learned to have a more compassionate heart, an open mind, and an adventurous soul.  Whether or not I see her, I KNOW it impacts her daily life and in a better way than I could have ever imagined. Nobody out there can quite understand why I get so excited when I see an elderly lady wearing a sari or a beautiful Indian baby with a spot on his or her face to ward off the evil spirits. Nobody can relate to my obsession with Indian food and the perfect naan to go with my gravies... There isn't one person who feels the sadness I feel in my heart when I read about a natural disaster in India in the same way I feel it... Nobody except Savannah... and when I try to explain funny stories or laugh about something that happened in Chennai with Michael, God love him, he just doesn't laugh with me.  In May we went to Canada to visit our friends from our church in Chennai and it was just so good to sit and talk and visit and catch up.  We really did not talk too much about India.  But we didn't have to.  There's an understanding that we all miss it, for various reasons.  I am pretty sure I miss the people the most.  I recently got to visit with my co-manager from my Chennai days and it was fabulous!  Laughs, laughs, and more laughs, along with some real life discussions about our families, our careers and our futures.  So, apparently I miss India. And my kid.  After all this rambling, I feel better... therapeutic, I tell ya.  If you've stuck around this long, I'll try to make my next blog a little more exciting and a little less woe is me.  I am thankful for all the great people I have in my life and I am a very blessed girl, regardless of my situation, I thank God every day for another chance to do it all again, and maybe even get it right one time!  In it all, I still cling to Jeremiah 29:11.