Man. 2020 is one for the history books, isn't it? Did we have anything in Jan and Feb? I can't honestly remember. But I sure remember from March on... Adjusting (not very well at the start) to a work from home lifestyle... merging the manager role with the mom and wife role all in the same place and trying to find some sort of balance... having a toddler home 24/7... Being home 24/7... Exponentially increased usage of social media... Amazon coming almost daily (oh, wait, that wasn't much of a change LOL)... all the stuff around social distancing, no travel at all, flights and cruises canceled, stores and businesses shut down, friends and family being furloughed or laid off or completely shut down, everyone wearing masks - or not, and then causing issues, schools closed and parents doing double or triple duty as teacher & parent & possibly employee, concerts and sports seasons canceled, and so much more. It's just been a LOT. The world as we knew it seems forever changed, or for the immediate future since so much is canceled through the summer at the least.
And then, just a week ago, the last week of May the world changed in another way. As I write this, trying to get my thoughts and feelings out in a constructive and compassionate way, I am sad. My heart is heavier than I can remember it being in a long time... possibly since the time period where I was estranged from my Savannah. I have a constant sadness that I am trying desperately to articulate. I am not sleeping well. If the boys are asleep or otherwise occupied, I am on social media - digging, reading, soaking in the emotions. I have to step back. I have to take a breath. I have to use better judgement and not let myself move into the rabbit hole of darkness, because I have spent some time there over the past week. I am thankful to have friends from every walk of life, every skin color, and on almost every continent. I am blessed to have been a part of a community outside my own, and I was able to immerse myself in a culture that is so very different than that of which I was raised. Texas to India is a big change, yall. And it was tough. And there were moments I wasn't sure I would survive it. But what other choice did I have? Of course I was going to survive it, dammit! And I was going to thrive, in the end. That was my goal. And share the world - a big picture world, a TRUE and HONEST vision of the world, FROM THE WORLD - with my daughter, to give Savannah the opportunity to see how big this world is and how much it has to offer and how different people live. And that we did. I am forever grateful for that opportunity. As a couple of white girls from Spring, Texas, though we've been blessed to travel a bit, we had never experienced discrimination. Until we moved to a country where we looked differently and spoke differently and even behaved differently. We were in a place where we could not blend if we tried, there was no melting pot, and no way to tan our very white skin to match our neighbors. And I was OK with that going in - I knew what I signed up for. Fitting in and looking exactly like the crowd hasn't really ever been on the top of my priority list, anyway. However mentally and emotionally prepared I was to stand out in a crowd, physically, I was NOT prepared for the judgement and discrimination that came our way, even though the instances were few and far between. I still remember the indignation I felt when we were at a restaurant for dinner one time and we kept getting nasty looks from one of the wives at a nearby table. I decided I was imagining it, I mean why would she be looking at us with such disgust? - and then they moved tables to the other side. WAIT. WHAT? Did that just happen? Because we were behaving like normal adults at a restaurant, having a normal volume conversation, and she had no interaction with us. They moved tables because this lady didn't like the color of our skin??? And then, an epiphany in this white girl's head and heart. The emotional reactions to being judged by the color of one's skin are interesting, as I think back. Anger, sadness, disbelief... a little bit of all of those. And then I thought of my friends over here in the US who face this every single day of their lives. And I made a conscious effort to remember that feeling. And I think I have over the years. But if I haven't, I have asked God to forgive me and make me better - make my heart clean - at the very least.
I ask God every day to make me a light. When people see me, talk to me, spend time with me, let them see Jesus. Let Him speak through me and respond with and share love. Let them feel love that only He can emanate, and let me put my own agenda aside to share His love. Obviously I fail more than I care to admit, but I still ask, and I still strive. And he forgives me daily, I can only hope the people in my life do as well.
I feel like I am rambling a little bit here; sorry about that. I am taking the long way around what I am trying to accomplish, I guess, which is to do my part to bring light to a very dark cloud over our country right now. I said before I have friends from all walks of life, ie: Strong political views on the far right, far left, and everywhere in between. Trump lovers, Trump haters. Folks raised in a time or place or family where the color of someone's skin made them a good or bad person. Friends from elementary school 35 year ago. Friends from our stint in Chennai. Friends who look like me and friends who look nothing like me. Christian friends, Muslim friends, Hindu friends, Jewish friends, agnostic friends. Friends who I have laughed with, cried with, and shared life with. Some of those friends are not going to appreciate my outspokenness, but I pray they love me just the same... because I cannot remain silent about what is going on with my brothers and sisters of color. Michael and I have committed to remain active in the foster care community because we saw things that can't be unseen during the time we fostered our beautiful boy. That beautiful boy could have come with any color skin on this planet, and we would have accepted him and loved him just the same. And maybe that's why I am so overwhelmed by all that is going on in America right now - maybe it is because I could be the mom who worries if my son of a darker skin tone might not come back after a run through our predominately white area. Maybe it is because I have so many Mom friends who face this battle every day that I did not realize the depths of that anxiety until recently. Maybe it is because I am allowing myself to read and learn and understand more. I don't know why, but I know this has changed me. I will have conversations with my friends of color that might be uncomfortable. I will ask them the hard questions and I will ask MYSELF the hard questions. I will ask them to hold me accountable and tell me when I say or do things that are not in line with what we are trying to accomplish - more love, more acceptance, less fear, less judgement, less preconceived notions. I wanted to write more equality. But that isn't even right. There is no such thing as MORE equality. There is equality or there is inequality. So, equality. Period. I cannot change the behavior of others, but I can influence through my own actions, and by speaking up when I see and hear inequality. All lives matter. Yes, indeed. But right now, black lives are at risk. And we need to shine a light on those at risk. I will have a respectful and fact-based discussion with anyone who disagrees. All I ask is that you are open. Open to listen and open to feel. You don't have to agree. We don't have to agree. And you can challenge me and you can tell me it doesn't feel right, and I will be OK with that. It could be uncomfortable and it might even be heated - passion drives change, so I am ok with that, too. All I ask is that you are open to more than what you think you already know. I will do my part to change the narrative. I will continue to pray for our broken nation... for our broken people, of ALL colors, for our peace officers who swear to serve and protect EVERYONE in the community, and for our hearts to soften with love and heal the wounds that are so deeply cut. If you've made it this far, thank you. I will leave you with a reminder - Black lives matter... right now because they are in danger - Take a moment and read and reflect on Luke 15:3-7. He loves us all, but he leaves the masses to finds the lost one. What a visual.
3 Then Jesus told them this parable: 4 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5 And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6 and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.
Thank you, Jesus for making this so clear to me.
Beautifully said.
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